Anxiety is a normal part of life; we all feel anxious from time to time. It is an uncomfortable feeling, for kids and grown ups alike. When extreme, anxiety can be overwhelming.
Intense anxiety can lead to racing thoughts, shortened breath, accelerated heart rate, and feelings of panic or despair. Lecturing oneself or others, saying that there “is no reason to be anxious,” or to simply “stop being anxious” does not help. Anxiety is rarely logical so trying to argue with it does not always work. We can’t make anxious feelings simply go away but we can learn how to manage them better so we feel more in control. The ability to regulate one’s emotions is developmental and it takes a lot of practice. Kids and grown ups alike can benefit from consistent practice in calming strong feelings like anxiety. When we are calm, we are better listeners, better problem solvers, and we are generally happier. Modeling calming strategies when you feel nervous or worried, or when a small problem arises, can help your child internalize these strategies for their own use. Practicing when your child feels calm and relaxed is important too. Play charades where everyone acts out a different coping strategy and the “audience” has to guess which one you used. Show a character in a book or in a movie how to calm down when worried or anxious too. Slow deep breaths: Breath in through your nose for 3-4 counts, hold the breath for 1-2 counts, and then let the air out slowly through your mouth for 3-4 counts. Do this at least 3 times or as many times as you need. You can imagine you are smelling a lovely rose or delicious soup and then blowing carefully on hot soup to cool it down. Slow deep breaths calm our heart and brain and help relax our muscles. This in turn helps relax our worried thoughts. It’s much harder for your brain to be anxious when your body is relaxed. Distracting your brain You can do this by engaging in a fun or distracting activity like dancing or doing a puzzle so your brain doesn’t have enough room to keep thinking about your worried thoughts. Size of the problem Problems can be BIG, medium, or little. Our reaction size should match the problem size. Sometimes it helps to list out different problems because it makes it easier to compare our current problem. BIG problems require assistance to solve and may take several weeks or longer to resolve (ex: tornado, fire, broken leg, etc.) Medium problems sometimes require help and can usually be resolved in a few days or have little long term impact (ex: flu, argument with a friend, etc.) Little problems can usually be solved on our own and don’t impact us for more than a couple of hours or a day (ex: broken pencil, no dessert, didn’t get to be first in line, had to wait to play with a toy, etc.). Talking Talking to others can sometimes help us feel less worried. They can remind us to use our strategies or help us get through something that feels like a big problem. Tags: Emotional Intelligence, Emotional Regulation
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It can be hard for parents to watch their children fail and struggle with the intense emotions that failure can bring. It would be nice if we could protect our children from failure and uncomfortable feelings but they will experience both throughout their lives. Protecting them now means robbing them of opportunities to develop skills to competently manage these emotions as they get older and the mistakes and failures become more significant.
The more opportunities your child has to recover from small failures and disappointments now, the easier it will be for them to handle these emotions gracefully in elementary, middle, high school and even adulthood. Don’t always let your child pick the game or movie. Don’t always let your child go first and do not always let them win. It may feel overwhelming to both of you at first but know the you are helping them grow and mature with your support and guidance. And, no promises but maybe it will help make those teenage years a little easier too. Tags: Emotional Regulation, Self-Esteem, Self-Regulation Emotional Intelligence (or “EQ”) includes the ability to express your feelings and identity the feelings of others. In some studies, low EQ has been correlated with multiple problems later in life, including depression.
Individuals with high emotional intelligence are able to distinguish between and label feelings of disappointment (field trip was cancelled) and betrayal (best friend told your secret) instead of just labeling both feelings simply as “mad.” These individuals know that feelings can have varying levels of intensity (okay vs. happy vs. excited) and can have many layers (feeling disappointed you didn’t make the spelling bee but relieved you don't have to stand in front of the whole school). They also remember that all feelings are okay and valid. Ignoring feelings doesn’t make them go away. Feelings can be confusing and overwhelming. Strong feelings can fill up our whole bodies all the way to the top of our brains, leaving little room for thinking, reflecting, or problem solving. It’s important to stop and gather clues about what is happening when we are overwhelmed by a strong feeling. We can check for body clues - Is my heart beating fast? Does my tummy feel funny? We can think of environmental clues to - What just happened? What thoughts am I thinking right now? Emotional intelligence is flexible and can be taught and improved. There are lots of ways you can help your children build up their emotional intelligence at home: 1) Don’t settle for words like “happy,” “mad,” or “sad.” Use words like annoyed, disappointed, excited, overjoyed, delighted, jealous, etc. Use these words in front of your children as you talk about your own feelings. Use them to describe the characters in stories or movies that you are enjoying together. 2) Ask your children how they are feeling throughout the day to bring awareness to the fact that feelings can change quickly and frequently. If your child is feeling down, ask them for details and work together to think of a way to feel better. 3) Make up some feelings games. Play “feelings charades” in the living room or even in the car - try to guess based on facial expressions, body language and even tone of voice how someone else is pretending to feel. Tags: Emotional Intelligence, Emotional Regulation Research has shown self-regulation to be a better predictor of children’s school achievement than IQ scores, early literacy or early numeracy skills (Blair & Razz, 2007; Bodrova & Leong, 2008).
Self-regulation is comprised of two parts: 1) inhibitory control which is the ability to stop oneself from doing something (like hitting your sister or eating a cookies) and 2) the ability to do something even when one does not feel like doing it (like cleaning up toys or brushing your teeth). Self-regulation is a skill and like all skills, it can be practiced and developed. At home children can practice deliberate and purposeful behaviors such as switching activities and following directions. Practice with games like Simon Says or Follow the Leader and switch the rules or the leader halfway through. Have your child leave the room and move a few objects around. When they come back, have them tell you what changed. This helps them practice focusing and monitoring skills. Children need to practice following rules and talking about how those rules change across a variety of settings (like burping in a fancy restaurant vs. a burping contest with a friend). Children need to practice following three different types of rules: 1) Following rules set by someone else 2) Setting and monitoring their own rules with others (ex: during a board game or making up a game at the park) 3) Applying rules to themselves without being monitored (ex: finishing a chore before playing) Offer reminders about self-regulation. You can use a visual schedule or checklist for morning or bed time routine or have your child wear a “Super Rule Follower” cape during games that are particularly challenging or frustrating for them. Play! Play! Play! Young children learn best through play and exploration. They learn to share, negotiate, compromise, problem solve, tell stories, communicate, how to think about others’ perspectives and more. Make sure your child has the opportunity to explore toys, puzzles, books, dress up outfits, and even cardboard boxes! Give them opportunities to play and interact with other children whenever possible. |
AuthorMiss Nicole is the Social Worker for the Early Childhood Program in Arlington Heights, Illinois. Categories
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May 2020
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